Lately I have been spending a lot of time thinking about bucket lists. The concept of a bucket list isn't just for people who are dying. People have bucket lists of all kinds. Places they want to go, things they want to accomplish. Some are time boxed, and some are open ended. The way I frame a bucket list in my mind is what is something that if I didn't do that thing, I would have regret at the end of my life.
I don't have a bucket list, I really don't. I have racked my brain and talked to other people about what is on their list and my list is still empty. While there are lots of thing that would be enjoyable and memorable, nothing quite fits my definition of a bucket list.
There is one really important thing that I want out of my life that I don't have yet but it isn't something you can plan or buy. I want to be a grandma and spend as much time as possible with grandbabies. Please know that I talked to Abbey about this post before writing it so that she knew I was in no way putting any pressure on her!
I believe my deep desire to be a grandma stems from losing my own mom when I was just 27 and my kids not having her in their lives. Abbey was not quite 3 when my mom died, and I was pregnant with Helton. I feel that they were robbed of having my mom in their life. My sister's kids were almost 10, 6 and 2 at the time.
My oldest nephew Alex got the best of my mom. He got his Nana before she got sick, and cancer took away some of her light. I thought my mom was the best kind of Nana - she always had M&Ms in the cupboard for a special treat, showed up
to every soccer game, was always up for Disney on Ice, but didn't let the kiddos get away with being naughty. When she decided to stop her cancer treatments it was so she could spend the time she had left feeling well enough to enjoy time with the grandkids.
I want to be a grandma to my grandbabies that my mom never got to be, she was robbed too. I want to hold them for hours and be their favorite person. I want to spoil them and teach them and share stories with them. I want to go to their games and performances and school events. I want to go to grandparents' day at school and take them to see Santa and the Easter Bunny. I also want to see Ramsey be the goofy Grandpa I know he was born to be.
My own grandmothers lived to 104 and 92. I got to spend summers with them and long Christmas vacations. They were both at my wedding and got to hold both of my babies. Being a grandma in the future is a big part of what drives me to be as strong as I can through these treatments so we can get to the other side and become stable again. I want to see my children be parents and I want to be a big part of their children's lives.
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