Over the last 11 years I have identified with each of these words at some point or another but not without some guilt thrown in for good measure.
Fighter is the easy one. This was my title for 2013, it fits when you are "in the fight". I think when most people picture cancer this is what they think of. Pictures of chemo treatments and the shaving of heads. "Fight like a Girl" t-shirts and pink in all shapes and forms. I think this was the easiest title to hold for me mentally. I say that because there was no debate. In 2013 I was fighting, going to chemo, having surgery, going to radiation. The other thing that happens when you are in the fight is that there are a lot of people heavily invested in that fight. Selfishly it feels good, the attention feels good, the texts, the phone calls, the hugs, the meals, the visits. It feels good to fight, you have a plan, you execute that plan and then you are done. Or not.
Survivor -- ah the elusive title. I thought I had this one for a brief minute. 2014, beginning of 2015 I dared to visit the Survivor category. It was short lived and now unattainable. No Survivor t-shirts or tattoos for me.
Manager - I made this one up but this is how I have felt since the Stage 4 diagnosis. I feel like it is my job to live with cancer and manage through it. How boring is that? I have been managing the cancer for a little over 7 years and during that time sometimes I feel like an Imposter. I say this because the cancer has been so stable that to even say out loud that I had Stage 4 cancer felt like a lie or at least a gross exaggeration. If I had to say it, I would quickly follow it up with.."but it is super stable". I didn't want to give people the time to think..."you sure don't look like you have a terminal disease". I felt like I needed to qualify my cancer by saying - "yes, I have it but it's not that bad right now." Social media also reinforced my idea that I was an Imposter. There are so many tragic stories of women losing their lives so young, with young families or before they even had a chance to find their own life. Each time I would read one of these stories I would think -- you are such an Imposter, you aren't that sick, and I would feel guilty that someone else died and I didn't. I don't want to be the one that died but there is also no sense in how this terrible disease chooses to operate. While it wreaks havoc on your body at times it does so much worse to your mind.
I know that I have to live with Cancer. I know that sometimes it will feel like a fight, sometimes it will feel like managing a process and no matter what there will be guilt. Knowing myself, I will never be able to completely kick the Imposter feeling but I will try to be a bit kinder to myself on that one.
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