I'm not okay, But it's all gonna be alright - JellyRoll

For a week now I knew it was time to write another blog and I kept trying to think of the right title. The first one I thought of was "Well Shit, This Sucks" and although it is spot on, I thought maybe it wasn't very Stacey like. Last night I was driving home from helping Abbey move into her new apartment and the song "I am not okay" by Jelly Roll came on. I hadn't heard it before but every line in the song spoke to me and I knew that would be the title. I woke up this morning at 5am and began writing my blog in my head because the dogs were still asleep, and no way am I getting up before the dogs!

This will be a longer than normal blog so try and hang in there with me as I catch everyone up on the less than stellar last couple weeks. Per my last blog, In March I had my normal 3-month scans and there was some progression of the cancer in my lungs, so we switched treatments and moved to an oral chemo that was intended to target a specific mutation in my cancer. Fast forward not very far to mid-June and I started to notice some shortness of breath again. Given what I experienced in March of last year I am much more aware of what it feels like when there might be fluid in my lungs, so I started paying close attention to my breathing. I first noticed issues during tennis league when it was my serve, I thought ok - I am just getting old, not in great shape yada yada. But that didn't make sense. I had been walking more, and increasing my days at tennis so my fitness was decent. Then one Saturday morning I got out of breath walking from my car to the front of the tennis center and in my head, I thought - "Crap, its fluid". The next day I got winded trying to help mow the lawn and then later in the day doing tennis ball round up in the backyard to play with the dogs. No denying it now. Monday June 17th, I contacted my oncologist and he put in orders for a chest x-ray. I went in for that in the afternoon and before I had even gotten home the x-ray was posted on my chart and the fluid was clearly visible - but this time in the right lung. My oncologist reviewed the x-ray and put in orders for me to have the lung drained.

I wasn't able to get in for the drain until Thursday the 20th. Although it had been almost a year since they had removed the pleural catheter in my left lung the Interventional Radiology team remembered me.

The nurse remembered me when she lifted the back of my shirt to prepare for the procedure because of the tattoo I have on my back that covers the big scar from my reconstructive surgery. The Dr that has done all of my procedure on my lungs remember me as soon as he came in the room. Never thought I would spend so much time with the IR team - but they are a great team!

That day we drained 1.5 liters of fluid out of my right lung. There was still some fluid left but they don't like to drain more than 1.5 liters at a time because it can cause the lung to collapse.

Straight after the procedure Abbey and I hit the road for an 8-hour drive to Nebraska to join Ramsey and Helton who had left on Wednesday. We were going back for the memorial service for Ramsey's grandmother who had passed away at the end of April. It was a good 3 days spent with family, many of whom we had not seen in several years.

While on the trip I was of course thinking about the appointment I had coming with\ my Oncologist on Monday and the real possibility that we were going to change treatments again after only 3 months. The goal with metastatic cancer is for the treatments to work as long as possible so we don't run out of options. This last one had failed miserably and quickly. I am just thankful that the failure was so easy for me to detect. and we didn't have to wait until the end of July when I would have had scans again.

I was super apprehensive waiting to the Dr Monday morning, and he was running quite late, I could hear him in the room next door for over 30 minutes answering all the questions that a couple had and once he said goodbye to them, I knew I was next. Once he came in, he said what I had been thinking but in nicer words --"well shoot, this isn't what we wanted". We agreed it was time to move to the next option. He wanted a fresh set of scans so we would have a baseline and then start the new chemo treatment as soon as possible. We did have one tiny complication in the plan -- I am going on a once in a lifetime trip to Europe for 2 weeks on July 8th with 2 amazing friends to celebrate us all turning 50, so what can we get done before I go. The answer -- scans and 2 rounds of chemo!

With 16+ hours of car time prior to this appointment I had come up with some questions and Ramsey had sent me his list too so once we finished talking about the new treatment, I bit the bullet and asked some of the tough questions that are hard to even say out loud.

• What is after this treatment -- This one I am starting now is probably the last one that won't greatly impact my quality of life. The next option is less targeted chemo and more broad-spectrum chemo that attacks healthy cells too and then clinical trials (gulp)

• What else should I be doing - stay active, eat as healthy as possible, stay positive

• Should I be seen at somewhere like MD Anderson in Houston - that is fine to do as those kinds of places become more involved as we reach the clinical trial stage

• Should I go on my vacation - absolutely yes but let's see how your fluid looks before you go so you don't have to get your lung tapped while you are in Europe.

Okay, so plan established, nerves frayed, emotions in overdrive. As much as I wanted to curl up in a ball and wallow in sadness there really just isn't time, because you know - life. Ramsey came home early from work; we took a two-hour nap with the dogs and then we got up and said ok - back to doing what we do. I have a trip to get ready for, Abbey's moving apartments, Helton and I have an overnight trip to Houston for a Rockies game, work is over the top busy and I have to get that all transitioned and the list goes on.

My CT scan was scheduled for Tuesday the 26th and Chemo for Friday the 28th and Friday July 8th. The results of the CT scan were not great. We went over the results when I got to chemo on Friday. The 3 lesions in my lungs have all grown, the largest one now measuring 4.6cm by 3.5cm up from 3.7cm by 2.7cm in March. The others had grown in similar proportion. The real blow however is that there are now 3 lesions on my liver. They are small - the largest 1.4cm but they are there, they are new, and now we have another organ involved. And with my mom's cancer battle the liver involvement is just a trigger for me. So now we have the lungs, one spot on the sternum (that hasn't changed in years) and now the liver. Needless to say, I felt gut punched, so much progression in 3 months - the exact opposite of what we need. We need a treatment that works for 3 years, not 3 months. The plan of action isn't changing - we started the new chemo Friday, but I will say I looked at the medicine dripping into my IV with more desperation that I ever had before. When I was trying to go to sleep Friday night hopped up on steroids, I was envisioning Ms. Pac Man with the bow in her hair cruising through my body chomping up cancer cells -- I hope so much that is what is happening.

My oncologist also decided we should put a pleural catheter in my right lung before my vacation so that if we don't have the fluid resolved in time, I can drain my lung myself while in Europe. I had this on the left side last year, so I know what to expect and know how to do the drain. I am on board with this because we have so many excursions planned in Spain, France and Italy and I need to be able to walk and breath. This will also help us know how quickly fluid is building up and will give us an early indication of if the chemo is helping and the fluid build up tapers off. I will have an intake discussion with a coordinator at MD Anderson on Monday to get the process started there, I will have the drain placed either Tuesday or Wednesday and then chemo Friday and then off to Europe on Monday the 8th.

So now everyone is caught up. As you can imagine my mind has been in overdrive trying to process all of these changes and keep up with normal life. Normal life has always been my way to stay focused on the future and not distracted by the cancer. It's getting harder. It is clouding most of my thoughts and decisions. I recently started a leadership program at work designed to help me make it to the next promotion level at work - Managing Director. One side of my brain says -I don't have the mental energy to go after this. The other side says - you deserve this, you can do this. And then the morbid cancer cloud said says - you need to do this because if things went really south it would leave the family in a much better financial position. This is how I feel like I am evaluating all decisions - which is exhausting. Another example - I have been having a lot of jaw pain, the orthodontist wants to put me in full scale braces for 18-24 months to realign my bite -- normal brain - ok let's do it I want to be able to open my mouth to eat a hamburger without pain - cancer brain says - why bother with the expense and hassle of that. And then its - do we start planning trips that we have been putting off, do we build the outbuilding next year or put that off..but put it off for what. Do we live like there is no end or do we start checking some things off the "list" or is that giving in and accepting defeat.

When I think of my to-do list this week it is all over the map - see below for just part of the list. Maybe this is just how it is going to be from now on, but I sure hope we can move into a period of this chemo working -- I am hoping it works at least a year!

• Lung Drain

• Chemo

• Buy more shampoo and conditioner

• Oil Change

• Intake at MD Aderson

• Cancel the pest control company

• Go to the car wash

• Fill out an advanced directive

• Figure out why the toll tag on my car isn't linked to the right account

• Pack for the trip and don't forget your passport

• Make sure the laundry is caught up

• Finally get a Will done

• Make sure and get some Euros for the trip

• Determine which credit card doesn't charge international fees

• Transition all your work responsibilities

• Make sure you turn on your out of office

I know this was a long post, but I hope you made it through. Thank you to everyone for all their support, prayers, positive thoughts and for just being in my life. The four of us are tackling this latest challenge together as we always have. I could not do it without Ramsey, Abbey and Helton by my side - asking hard questions, keeping me positive, telling me to slow down and just loving me no matter what headspace I am in. They say it takes a village to raise kids - it also takes a village to fight for your life and I am so grateful for everyone in my corner.